Protect the sun!

To understand the temerity and mindset of those who would destroy the sun, I encourage you to read of their outrageous rationalisations first. Then you may proceed to be enlightened by the following correct counterarguments.

Tradition

Let me begin by drawing your feeble attention towards that stalwart ally of the Natural Order – tradition. The sun manifests itself in innumerable traditional practices and symbols across human experience. Of course, it’s a gigantic nuclear explosion hovering improbably in the sky, so it could hardly be otherwise, but our reverence for it speaks to the natural correctness of it being there.

Many national flags have some representation of the sun. They might not have, of course, had the sun not existed in the first place, but now that it’s done we’d have to pay someone thousands of dollars to undo it all. More broadly, references to the sun are strewn throughout human literature, from ancient to modern. It would hardly suit the purposes of righteous authority to have words and symbols of unknown meaning adorning approved reading material or our national table cloths. People might get ideas above their station.

And then there’s the paintings, the poetry and the songs. I don’t personally give a quokka’s eyebrows about all that, of course, but it keeps people off the streets. Or, if not actually off the streets, at least distracted long enough to refrain from looting my corporate headquarters. If it wasn’t for the sun’s rays interacting with ice crystals in the atmosphere, the lower orders might have nothing to revere. If we destroyed the sun, they might conclude that God – and by extension, authority – had been snuffed out, and all manner of social disorder would ensue.

Consider that the childhood drawings of everyone worth consideration from at least the last 200 years have featured the sun. (My own childhood drawings, though unquestionably worth considering, are an exception in that they predominantly featured improbably-giant tidal waves. But I digress.) Would you personally walk around to every finger painting in the world, tear it up before the child’s innocent eyes, and then also take away their red, orange and yellow crayons? Because that’s what you would do if you destroyed the sun. You absolute monster.

Science

The sun’s detractors claim that so-called “science” supports its destruction. Well.

Where was “science” when Pluto was bound, gagged and kicked out of the club? The astronomers were practically foaming with evil delight at the lynching they dealt out then. Destruction of the sun is a simply another step down the slippery slope towards total astronomical anarchy. What’s next – the asteroid belt? Who will stand up for the Galilean moons when it’s their turn to face the chopping block? This could be the beginnings of a fascist purge of the heavens.

And for what? You want to look at stars all day long do you? What’s wrong with you? I mean, the sun is a star, and that’s not good enough for you? It’s right there you ungrateful whinger. Go on, look at it – right at it, so you can feel its glorious rays burning your pitiful retinas to glorious ash. That’ll teach you a lesson.

Ah, but the sun is nuclear, the purveyors of darkness fearfully point out. But then so is my private stealth jet, which keeps me permanently airborne and constantly on the sunlit side of Earth. What of it? I spend hours at a time luxuriating under the fuselage skylight, soaking in all that magnificent radiation. I can go for three or four meals without seeing a doctor and getting things burnt off with liquid nitrogen. (Don’t get me started about the heathen abomination that is “sunscreen”.)

Freedom

And say we do (however improbably) survive the ravages of the unwashed underclasses, unleashed from their rightful place in society by destruction of the ideals of authority. How then will we fight off the vampire threat, and whatever those horrid creatures were from Pitch Black? Answers, anyone? I didn’t think so.

We must counter this climate of fear that plagues us. Government regulation of astronomical bodies, which has never worked before, is nothing more than an assault on freedom. If we destroy the sun, then the TERRORISTS HAVE WON. Don’t you understand how embarrassing that would be?